just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
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