none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Randomize
