does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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