I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
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