I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
