Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
