If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
im about as happy as oj after his trial
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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