She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
