On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
