I am in a vortex of obligation.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
