Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Randomize
