The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
