i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
