dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
