Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
