I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
