Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
