Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
