Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
