the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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