i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
