Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
