Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Randomize
