so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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