But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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