a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
3 2 1 whiskey
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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