maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
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