like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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