I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
