I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
