I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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