We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
