I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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