We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
