let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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