His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
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