And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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