i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Randomize
