what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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