Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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