When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
