She said her name was "party"
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I need water and some morals
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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