Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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