Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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