No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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