every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
He better not be in your backpack
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Randomize
