life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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