I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Actions speak louder than pants.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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