Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
