I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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