Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
