areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
